just remembered...

...may utang pa pala ako kay sarah.

a month or so ago, sarah had this thing in her blog where she was given a letter and asked to write ten words that begin with that letter, along with a short description of each word. all those who wanted to do that also were instructed to reply to her post. the ones who replied were given letters. she gave me the letter h, if i'm not mistaken.

so here goes, 10 words that begin with h:

1. hope. they say that the worst thing that could happen to someone is to lose hope in life. right now, hope is what keeps me going. i don't know what the future holds for me, but whatever it is, i'll keep holding on.

this word also reminds me of this 50-page article by marcel that we had to read for calasanz's philo of religion class. title: phenomenology of hope. the sheer length of the article almost made me lose all hope of passing his class.

2. hard. thinking of words that begin with h is hard. damn you, sarah, of all letters! why not c or e or a?! :)

3. honesty. in our kris kringle last year, connie gave me a mirror because i am "very frank and honest...what you see is what you get."

4. hazelnut. i love hazelnut spread! nutella and crumpy are my tried-and-tested brands. :)

5. housewife. close friends have told me a couple of times that i'm "housewife material" because i can cook very well. however, they also say that "sayang naman ang talino mo kung magiging housewife ka lang". trisha andres has predicted that if i become a housewife, the only things that i will have to think about are what nice folds to do on the table napkins. papu, on the other hand, has threatened to kill me if i decide to go domestic full time. there go my dreams. haha... :)

6. happiness. through the years, my definition of happiness has evolved greatly. before, it usually involved me getting the highest grades in my batch. now, happiness for me means being with the people i care for and love.

7. hall. all the old buildings in ateneo are called halls. i have fond memories of most of them:

* bellarmine hall - i remember how everyone groans when they find out that they have a class in bel, which is as far as you can get from most of the college buildings. but the christmas lights in bel field more than makes up for the distance, in my opinion.

* eliazo hall - the ladies' dorm. i stayed here for one and a half months during ajss, which was before fourth year high school. the rooms were still done in a greenish tint that was reminiscent of hospitals, but i didn't care. i certainly loved my first taste of freedom, and i felt lucky that i had such smart and funny roomies - lou, kate and calai. we used to climb over the ledge outside our room to cut our travel time. once, we sneaked a guy into our room through the ledge. wahaha!

* cervini hall - the boys' dorm, where the chapel, recreation area and canteen are. there go my excuses for frequenting this particular hall. :)

* schmitt hall - named after a jesuit who died in recent years, schmitt, more popularly known as the chem building, is the site of many weird experiments. the most notable one that i have participated in involved gathering our saliva into a beaker and measuring one ML into a graduated cylinder. gross.

* colayco hall - the now nonexistent building that used to house most of the org rooms. this is where i met most of my college friends, who i still keep in touch with until now.

8. hugs. i love hugs! (both the gesture of affection and the chocolate)

9. hurt. a feeling that's been more than familiar to me lately. but i know that if i hold on a bit more, the pain will eventually subside into a dull ache that will easily be overshadowed by the happy memories.

10. heels. all my office shoes have heels that range from one to two and a half inches. do i really have a choice but to wear heels, with my 4'11.5" frame?


whew, i'm done! for those who don't have much to do or have much to do but don't feel like starting yet, reply to this post and i'll give you a letter to work on. :)

...

i'm tired. just plain tired.

a quote stolen from sarah's blog

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman

= = = = = = = = = =

point taken, mr. neil gaiman. but while my love life is far from being peachy at the moment, i am not about to denounce love. sure, the events of the past few months have finally started to sink in, and i'm starting to feel the pain of being ripped apart. the present offers no solace, and the future seems bleak. yet for me, hating love would be synonymous to forgetting that the 52 months i devoted to my former relationship gave me more happiness than hurt.

i feel anything but strong at the moment, but i don't want to get mad. i also don't want to feel bitter. nothing in what i'm in right now is easy, but i'm still grateful that i went through this. after all, not everyone can say that they've been loved by the one that they love.

wala lang...

may nagsabi sa isang kaibigan kong: ayoko yung ginawa nila sayo. basta ka lang nila itinapon. buti na lang, lumutang ka.

gusto ko ring may magsabi sa akin na buti na lang, lumutang ako. ngayon kasi, hindi ko pa nararamdamang maayos na ang mga bagay–bagay. sa totoo lang, nararamdaman kong nakalubog pa ako. minsan nga, nararamdaman kong patuloy pa akong lumulubog. naitatanong ko tuloy, tama ba ito? patas ba ang ganito? parang lahat na lang ng bagahe, ibinigay sa akin ngayon. may bangka nga ako, wala naman akong sagwan.

= = = = = = = = = =

kausap ko ang isang kaibigan ko kahapon. tinangka niyang payuhan ako. (bakit ko sinasabing “tinangka”? kasi matigas ang ulo ko, hindi ako madaling pasunurin.) may punto siya kaya susubukin kong sundin ang payo niya. sana lang, kasabay ng pagtatangka kong ito ay tumibay ang loob ko, upang kayanin ko.

= = = = = = = = = =

isa pang mensahe mula sa isa pang kaibigan: kaya mo yan gracie. kaw pa…labo din talaga, no? may mga taong minsan lang magmahal pero nasasaktan pa. may madaming beses nang nagmahal, di pa rin makita yung para sa kanya.


bakit kaya ganito?

reminders

last friday, i had dinner at shakey's glorietta with a couple of friends from gabay - guiller, chi, bel, de-anne and nina. it was nice to see them after so long. it was even better that tonight reminded me of so many things and feelings that i haven't encountered in a long time:

...the feeling that i could just "chill" and be "me"
for a couple of months now, i've been so harrassed by things at work - by the volume of the vacancies that we have to fill, and the pace at which things have to be done. from start to end of each day, i have to be on my toes, lest i do something that will make the situation even worse. but tonight, i was able to let loose in a way. i was able to goof around with the people that i'm with, without fear or apprehension.

...the feeling that it's okay to make mistakes
it's okay, and it could be funny too. and it would not have an effect on my performance appraisal for this year, or on my career, in the long run.

...the feeling that the people i'm with know me
sometimes, they say that the small things are the ones that matter. being the OC girl that i am, the little things do account for much. it comes as no surprise then, that i like it when people remember the small things about me, that other people do not even notice. small things like how i can compute numbers in my head fast, and that i dab tissue on my food to lessen the grease. small things that make me feel that i'm really with people i can call "friends'.

...the inspiration i got from SOA
on the way home, nina and i rode the bus to alabang together. though we were an aisle apart, we were able to talk some more. we reminisced on our SOA times (she was the education formation pillar coordinator, while i was the executive officer). i told her of how SOA changed my perspective. while i was in the gabay, i felt that i was giving my all already, and that i was one of the most committed members of the org. SOA changed that, thankfully. through the example set by my co-officers, i saw that there was so much more that i can do, if only i will transcend what i thought were my limits.

...knowing where i'd want to be
while we were having coffee in gloria jeans, nina asked us where we would want to be in 20 years. i replied that i'd want to have a family by then, with two to three kids, and a husband (of course). i also said that i'd want to be teaching industrial psychology by then.


it was a wonderfully long night, that extended a few minutes into the morning. thanks guys, for granting one of my birthday wishes. now you know that you can ask me out, once in a while. ;)

thank you's

thank you to all the people who greeted me on my birthday. i took notes, so i hope that i won't miss anyone. if i do, i beg your pardon, senility must be catching up with me.

in person: elcie, bene, roxy, aisha, robbie, my family, ms. princess, ms. eva, ms. myra, benj, connie, sarah, the whole HR, & the whole accounting department

through text: bene, badz, nina, benj, deirdre, tiny, roxy, connie, justin, sir jun, chi, aiza, tin & coco

through phone: guiller & sir oliver

through lotus notes: kris

through yahoo: pat

through my blog: papu, ate cla, chi, deirdre, & chris

belated birthday greetings: atom, ate anna, kuya mike, trina, ate roselle, shai, rocel & rica

so to all of you, thank you/gracias/salamat. to those who failed to greet me, you can still make it up to me. just refer to my previous entry. haha!

'til next year! : )

ps. sorry for the late acknowledgment. believe it or not, i had no load at all on my birthday. i am such a cheapskate. hehe!

birthday wishlist

Birthdate	: 5/23/1984
Age	: 21.95 yrs. old

this is according to my profile in https://www.mypayroll.ph, our online payroll system. 21.95 years old na ko! hehehe! :)

in true chi fashion, i will simulate a static post by postdating this entry to may 23, 11:45 pm (my time of birth), so that it will stay on top for a while. friends, kindly condone my self-centeredness for a while as i dream of the things that i want to have on my birthday. here goes:

...dark brown shoes with low heels
...dark brown slacks - para ka-terno ng shoes
...comfy black flats (that i could wear to the office)
...pink shoes (na pwede rin sa office)
...ultraelectromagneticjam CD (original sana. support OPM!)
...the anne of green gables series that comes in a box
...small miracles II
...a cup of comfort for women
...einstein's dreams
...any book by bob ong
...the devil wears prada (sige na, bago ipalabas yung movie!)
...da vinci code tickets
...lunch at kopiropi (tomas morato)
...breakfast or dinner at heaven and eggs (G4)
...a trip to ateneo, complete with tuna casserole and green mint tea from healthy kitchen, and chicken strips from beef teriyaki
...CD's or DVD's of gilmore girls, from season 1 onwards

at siyempre, nasa wishlist ko rin ang ilang abstracts...
...happiness
...friendship
...love
...fulfillment
...peace of mind

and...

...world peace.

gracie lou, logging out. : )

blogging, and other things

this afternoon, a friend said: bakit ka pa nagba-blog, e pwede mo namang i-text sa friends mo yung mga nangyayari sa buhay mo?!

i think it was the way this comment was delivered that almost made me want to double over in laughter. i might have given in to the urge, if we weren't within sight and earshot of around a dozen people.

to answer that, well, i blog because i miss writing. all throughout college, i had practically no time to weave words for a non-academic purpose. as i emailed my fourth year high school class sometime ago, i feel that whatever writing skills i might have had are already rusty. words don't come as easily anymore and i'm scared that if i don't do anything now, i could find myself completely unable to express myself on pen and paper (or through online outlets, for that matter).

so here i am, blogging away, at the same time trying to coax the deities of the arts to shower on me their blessings once more.

= = = = = = = = = =

our subic trip gave birth to another round of firsts in my life: my first time to slide (through ropes connected to trees), my first time to jet ski, and my first time to kart. hurrah! (pictures to follow soon, hopefully)

= = = = = = = = = =

i'm turning 22 tomorrow. i do not dread the additional year that i have to declare on forms that ask for my age, thank God.

and while i'm not the HR "bunso" anymore, i still feel like a kid once in a while when i go around working, wearing my little corporate attire. but hey, i am STILL young anyway.

and because i'm still young, i will sleep already though it's still a wee bit early. who knows, i might just grow taller this year if i keep this up. hehe!

subic outing itinerary

i'm so excited to go to Subic! here are our plans, as narrated by drummer boy robbie:

= = = = = = = = = =

details for the Big Day
After our meeting this lunch, we have come up with a final order of things:

ROSTER:
Semi-final roster of participants: Robbie, Aisha, Justin, Grace, Elcie, Jameela, Sarah, Connie.
Semi pupunta: Kris (kung makatakas), Rina (kung makapagpaalam), Jonah (kung makidnap ni Connie)

TRANSPORTATION:
under the assumption that there will be nine of us going, we have two possible transportation schemes:

Scheme A (The Legal Scheme): Four or five will join Robbie sa kotse. Since his house is closer to Subic than most, those who will join him will have to sleepover on Friday night (except Aisha). They will have to bring their things on Friday night. This contingent will leave at approximately 5:30 in the morning (except Aisha, who will have to leave her house ng mga 5:00), so it can arrive at Subic at around 9 a.m.

The other four or five will have to take the bus. Sarah is now diligently researching on the Victory Liner schedule for the 20th. Robbie will fetch this contingent at the Olongapo bus station.

Scheme B (The Demonic Plan of Kris): Robbie and his band of angelic travellers will not be affected by his fiendish plot. This is really for the bus riders. Kristina will take her victims home to Bulacan. There, she will socially coerce her parents to allow her to go. Once successful, she will emerge victorious with a vehicle, and a diver to boot! This Machiavellian conspiracy may, however, remain to be a sin of the mind if Kristina's parents take pity on her and simply allow her to join us on the demerit of her last trip to Subic. This however, is like banking on the Philippine Stock Market for short term wealth. Therefore, it cannot even be considered a reliable option, but only a hope of whimsy.

PAY OUT:
After three months of rigorous training in forcing money out of other people's pockets, Kristina and Cecilia have grown rather adept at attracting money towards themselves. It is because of this talent that theyhave been chosen to be the collectors of the fund. Each MT will be forcibly requested by these two people to shell out P2700 by tomorrow, May 16, 2006.

For your safety and that of all your loved ones, please exhibit submissive compliance.

N.B.: Depending on whether those who are unsure will actually join us, the price might fluctuate. Pero basta kahit P2700 lang muna bukas. The excess, if any, will be returned at the end of the trip. Kung kulang naman, sa Friday na uli maniningil sila Cecilia.

BATTLE GEAR:
Arm yourselves with the following:
1) the usual stuff for outing- clothes, toilet stuff, extra cash, jacket, swimming gear, medicine, camera, etc.
2) mga pwede gawin at night- poker chips, cards, whatever
3) TOWELS please!

Actually, I still have much to say. But Aishabelle is behind me, pressuring me away from her unique, advanced (for a 1998 model) computer. I shall continue when I can in the future.

the undomestic goddess

sophie kinsella just veered away from becky bloomwood's world of sandals, bags and astronomical credit card bills. in "the undomestic goddess", we are teleported to a new scenario, one of constant deadlines and of days divided into neat six-minute chunks. we get a glimpse of it through the eyes of samantha sweeting, a top city lawyer whose current life has nearly driven her past the border of sanity and into insanity.

she rides a train to escape her pressure-filled london life, and finds herself in an unfamiliar place in the country. she knocks at a door, meaning to ask for a glass of water and a place to stay for the night. just minutes later, she is seated in front of a couple, answering interview questions for a housekeeper position.

enough of the synopsis. what struck me in the book was this excerpt, where trish talks to samantha, now her housekeeper:

"Here we are..." Trish puts a cup of tea down and scrutinizes me. "Are you homesick?" She sounds triumphant, as though she may have cracked the mystery. "Our girl from the Philippines did get rather blue from time to time...but I used to say to her, cheer up, Manuela!" Trish pauses thoughtfully. "Then I found out her name was Paula. Extraordinary."

it seems that despite the large number of filipinas who hold professional and technical positions in countless parts of the globe, we could still not escape the brand of being domestic helpers. so much for our gains in education and culture. makes me suddenly wish that i did not shell out 315 bucks to buy the book.

tagged by pitt and sarah

the first player of this game starts listing six of his/her weird habits. the people who get tagged need to write a blog entry regarding their six weird habits, as well as to state this rule clearly. in the end, you need to choose six people to tag and list their names. don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" and tell them to read your entry.

1. i still have difficulty in keeping myself awake at night, even when i have tons of work to do. and, a dose of extra joss is not enough to keep my lids open. neither is red bull nor lipovitan effective. i need a minimum of two packets of extra joss or an entire can of red bull barako before the caffeine starts to kick in.

2. i can "shop" for 6 hours but end up buying only stockings. no kidding. (this actually happened last october.)

3. up to now, i still eat using the plate that i had since i was five. thus, i am not used to letting my food touch each other. (for starters, i can't stand having gravy on my rice.)

4. i eat all the food that i am allergic to. (read: chocolate, chicken, cheese, eggs, nuts, crab, shrimp)

5. i hardly watch tv. i'd rather read a good book or sleep.

6. according to my sister, i snore with my mouth closed.


people i'm tagging: badz, ate cla, kuya rolls, ate kamille, ate ria & kuya rev

i'm back!

last week was quite busy. we all deserved a break. so during the weekend, we went to sagada!

i'll post pics when i get them. but allow me to say that this vacation is unlike any that i've ever spent. it definitely pushed me beyond what i used to think were my limits. mostly in the physical aspect, but this did wonders to my ego as well. :)

i'm looking forward to another vacation like this. this as in one that doesn't entail much cost, but offers more than enough opportunities for sightseeing and adventure. can't wait for next year's vacation! :)

goes with my current blog name...

...

"wala nga kaya akong karapatan sa iyo? ang mahalin kita ang siya kong karapatan. hindi ko maipipilit ang aking sarili. mamahalin kita nang may paghahamon. inihanda ko na ang aking sarili sa anumang pag-uusig, at ang pag-uusig man ng aking sarili, balang araw, kung mangyari man, ay pinaghandaan ko na rin."

- alma fuertes
mula sa ang tundo man may langit din
ni andres cristobal cruz

= = = = = = = = =

kailan ko kaya matatagpuan ang langit ko?

ateneo survey

got this from chi's other blog. seems like something out of a teen magazine. you know, those with introductions like, "how much of an atenean are you? take this quiz to find out!" as if that could be measured by a survey. hehe... :)

this is a nice way to reminisce anyway. here goes...


(x) ate at Manang's - of course. the first few times were when i was still a high school junior, and a participant of the ateneo junior summer seminar (AJSS).
(x) learned the alma mater - i don't know how, but i did.
(x) got on the dean's list - yup! except on my first sem. was short of 0.1. talk about frustrating!
( ) slept on a bench
( ) been a TNT!
( ) jogged around the campus in the evening
(x) visited the art gallery - once or twice. even got brochures.
(x) knew at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name - ate alma of colayco, ate jenny of RSF
(x) got a Jesuit for a teacher - fr. adolfo dacanay, SJ (th131)
(x) itched from higad bites - yes, once during third year. half my face turned horribly red and patchy. i took a certain medicine that made me sleep for three straight hours in the library.
(x) have gotten an F in something - yes. in one of my botany long tests, in a couple of th131 quizzes, and in my first long test with calasanz
(x) have taken a crap in school - yup! haha!
(x) watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game - does watching on the idiot box count?
(x) gave a powerpoint presentation - who didn't???
(x) studied in the Caf Upstairs - yup, and ended up smelling like sisig whenever i wasn't lucky enough to get a seat near a window.
(x) watched a TA play - La Vida Es Sueño. it was required for fil11.
( ) sat on the SEC ledge and watched the stars
(x) eat in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford - only in Ken Afford, though.
(x) slept in the lib - of course! the ambiance was too conducive for mind and body relaxation. hehe...
( ) visited Mr. San Andres
(x) went to the chapel - to pray, hear mass and sing in a choir
(x) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad - even pieces of gravel
( ) cut class with your block to watch a movie - our block wasn't close enough for this
(x) signed up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers: Ferriols, Dacanay, David, Manacsa, Ang, Escaler, Arcilla, Totanes, and many others - made it a point whenever they were among the options. was able to get dacanay and calasanz, both of whom gave me F's in some of the requirements.
( ) went to CERSA night
( ) have tried siomai rice
( ) learned how to smoke - i don't like the smell of smoke.
(x) fell in love - still in love.
(x) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib - there were only 2 or 3 books that i kept borrowing, for legitimate academic purposes.
(x) played cards during your free time - learned bluff, bridge and pusoy dos during first year.
(x) dressed in business attire - during orals (when the teacher said so) and defenses.
( ) learned to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight - no! not without the aid of extra joss.
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC - thank heavens, no.
( ) took (and enjoyed) Saturday classes
(x) went to your immersion - went to an aeta community in maporak, zambales.
(x) ate Food for Thought sandwiches - just once. and i never understood why two slices of bread, a lettuce leaf, a morsel of meat and a tomato slice costs 40 bucks.
(x) got a boyfriend/girlfriend - from the other school, yes. :)
(x) took time to read the vandalism in the CR doors - one went, "tell (cellphone number appears here) that he has succeeded in breaking the strongest girl there is." or something very similar to that.
( ) watched "Minsan Lang Sila Bata" and "Macho Dancer" for class
(x) did a last-minute paper - most of my papers were last-minute. our thesis was last-minute. hence, passing papers on time involved a lot of running on my and my groupmates' part. hehe...
(x) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures (for index cards and teachers' seat plans) - and resumes.
(x) got exempted from final exams - physics, hi166 and eco102
(x) attended a college mass - i almost always did. hearing mass in the quad held a certain charm for me.
( ) promised to quit smoking
( ) played hide-and-seek in the mini-forest
(x) knew where the best restrooms are on campus
(x) joined an org - Gabay and Ateneo Peer Counselors Group
(x) allowed yourself to make mistakes - but never quite got over some of them
(x) took summer classes - only practicum class
( ) admired the sacred heart statue in the evening - never really thought about admiring it. was more focused on trying to see how it could turn into a statue of the Virgin Mary, as many attest that it can, due to a play of light and shadows.
(x) made a video for a project
( ) had a crush on a teacher - no. was too loyal. :)
( ) attended a Jesuit retreat
( ) have gotten a parking ticket - i had nothing to park.
(x) came to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes - slightly baggy jeans, baby tee, rubber shoes
( ) learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones
(x) participated in school activities - food sales, org and cluster activities, job fairs, masses
(x) caught the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts - during first year, coz marley and reg tried out.
(x) dated an Atenean - not in the romantic sense, only in the two-friends-eating-out sense.
(x) rode a tricycle on campus - whenever i was close to being late, and/or it was raining.
(x) found a tambayan - Gabay Room
(x) admired the Marikina Valley at night - yes. way back in AJSS, and once, with Bene. :)
( ) went drinking along Katipunan
( ) learned how to beg for a higher grade
( ) used your cuts wisely - call me boring, but i hardly used my cuts.
( ) volunteered to be class beadle - no thanks. making seat plans and photocopying handouts for everyone do not appeal to me.
( ) had the worst lottery schedule for reg - had early reg priveleges :)
(x) admired the trees on campus - especially when the fire trees are in bloom
( ) have forgotten about your free cut and gone to that class - who is ever muddled enough to forget a free cut?!
(x) ate in the ISO canteen
(x) be active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy you like signed up for it
( ) got as many app forms as you can during the job fair
(x) learned how to cram (and still get A's) - i have perfected this ;)
( ) sold tickets (or watched) an org-sponsored movie premiere
( ) saved money to photocopy all of your seatmate's notes
( ) have accidentally seen a makeout session
(x) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge - i pass by the lagoon practically everyday. i focus on the lotus flowers, though (not on the murky water).
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice-versa - my CTC - Bel classes were at least an hour apart. thank God.
(x) learned how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfected the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus - no. ateneo personnel are quite polite.
(x) developed a love for sisig - particularly those from Ken Afford and Mang Jimmy's
(x) learned how to pronounce "AEGIS" properly
(x) have used typing rooms at the library
(x) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function - yeah, even before the system was automated.
(x) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries - to "research" in la salle. who am i kidding?! :D
(x) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella
(x) have used consultation hours properly
(x) looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment
(x) visited the Guidance Office - each semester, for my required scholar's interview and once in a while, for test interpretation
(x) visited the Infirmary - for Caladryl, Biogesic, pre-immersion physical exam and to weigh myself :)

got 58 out of 92 items (i hope that my count is accurate). i'd say, not bad. :)