ayan, napapaisip ka tuloy.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
after 1,051,200 minutes
its been two years since that fateful day, & for the most part, i felt every excruciating moment of it. there were days when i shed enough tears to make me believe that it would be the last time that i would. of course, there were sequels. days when things were unbelievably bad, that it seemed as if all my energy has been zapped out of me. on these days, staring blankly at anything took precedence over everything else. i have probably memorized the position of each little glow-in-the-dark star on my white age-stained bedroom ceiling. days when every tiny memory sparked a full-blown, unbidden recollection of what had been, which almost always ended up with me wishing to bring back "those times".
yet, i don't feel any embarrassment in admitting that i had days like that. on the contrary, the memories tug at corners of my lips, & add to the immense gratefulness that i feel in my heart. i could only say, thank you, it's all over.
after 1,051,200 minutes, i find that...
...i'm back to my old, optimistic, bubbly self. i'm seeing the world again through rose-colored glasses. every situation seems to hold much promise of pleasure & learning, every nook & crevice worth exploring.
...i've rediscovered the joy & peace of solitude, when i talk to myself & let the events of my day go on auto-rewind.
...i'm making plans for me, myself & i, & expanding my horizons to include options that wouldn't even have crossed my mind before.
...i'm going out again, & enjoying good conversation. i love being out of the house, just hanging around. i'm reconnecting with the people who have always been there, waiting for me to break my self-imposed hermitage. the very same people who listened intently to me when i was finally ready to talk, were brutally honest with me so it wouldn't even cross my mind to delude myself (or if i was doing it already, i would snap out of it), & openly supported me in the decisions i made. the very same people who i know i could always count on to be there, whatever pickle i get myself in. i only have to holler or squeak.
...i'm singing again - literally & figuratively. can't help it, there's music in my head. happy, wonderful music.
...i've reunited with my old passions - reading, cooking, thinking.
...i'm perfectly happy with who i am.
...i'm actively involved in developing my spirituality, & in trying to discover the beauty of my faith. i acknowledge that without Him, i am nothing. He may send me humongous challenges, but He would never give me more than i can take. & it is by His infinite grace that i have each & every day to look forward to.
...i understand why i had to go through this. it's not a matter of whether i deserved it or not. things happen, albeit painful ones, & we have to find our own ways of dealing with them. what won't kill you would make you stronger.
...it's quite okay for me to go about things on my own pace. i shouldn't compare myself to other people for even if the situations seem exactly the same, we all bring something different to the equation. also, i shouldn't push myself to go beyond what i can manage at a particular point in time. after all, healing is a process.
...while letting go is a sign of weakness, it can also be a testament to one's maturity & strength of character. we have to recognize what it is that we can & should keep, & what it is that we should leave be.
...i feel no anger at him (never did, actually) or at myself for the way things ended. i still believe in my heart that we were lucky to have what we did - a 52-month relationship that was built on friendship, trust & love. a relationship where we let each other be, & supported each other's decisions.
...i've come so far, & i got here on my own.
overall, i am grateful for the things that were, contented with what i have now, & hopeful about the things yet to come. when you've come from below, there's no way to go but up, after all. up, up, up i go! : )
yet, i don't feel any embarrassment in admitting that i had days like that. on the contrary, the memories tug at corners of my lips, & add to the immense gratefulness that i feel in my heart. i could only say, thank you, it's all over.
after 1,051,200 minutes, i find that...
...i'm back to my old, optimistic, bubbly self. i'm seeing the world again through rose-colored glasses. every situation seems to hold much promise of pleasure & learning, every nook & crevice worth exploring.
...i've rediscovered the joy & peace of solitude, when i talk to myself & let the events of my day go on auto-rewind.
...i'm making plans for me, myself & i, & expanding my horizons to include options that wouldn't even have crossed my mind before.
...i'm going out again, & enjoying good conversation. i love being out of the house, just hanging around. i'm reconnecting with the people who have always been there, waiting for me to break my self-imposed hermitage. the very same people who listened intently to me when i was finally ready to talk, were brutally honest with me so it wouldn't even cross my mind to delude myself (or if i was doing it already, i would snap out of it), & openly supported me in the decisions i made. the very same people who i know i could always count on to be there, whatever pickle i get myself in. i only have to holler or squeak.
...i'm singing again - literally & figuratively. can't help it, there's music in my head. happy, wonderful music.
...i've reunited with my old passions - reading, cooking, thinking.
...i'm perfectly happy with who i am.
...i'm actively involved in developing my spirituality, & in trying to discover the beauty of my faith. i acknowledge that without Him, i am nothing. He may send me humongous challenges, but He would never give me more than i can take. & it is by His infinite grace that i have each & every day to look forward to.
...i understand why i had to go through this. it's not a matter of whether i deserved it or not. things happen, albeit painful ones, & we have to find our own ways of dealing with them. what won't kill you would make you stronger.
...it's quite okay for me to go about things on my own pace. i shouldn't compare myself to other people for even if the situations seem exactly the same, we all bring something different to the equation. also, i shouldn't push myself to go beyond what i can manage at a particular point in time. after all, healing is a process.
...while letting go is a sign of weakness, it can also be a testament to one's maturity & strength of character. we have to recognize what it is that we can & should keep, & what it is that we should leave be.
...i feel no anger at him (never did, actually) or at myself for the way things ended. i still believe in my heart that we were lucky to have what we did - a 52-month relationship that was built on friendship, trust & love. a relationship where we let each other be, & supported each other's decisions.
...i've come so far, & i got here on my own.
overall, i am grateful for the things that were, contented with what i have now, & hopeful about the things yet to come. when you've come from below, there's no way to go but up, after all. up, up, up i go! : )
Sunday, March 02, 2008
high tech na ang lola!
naka-DSL na kami! woohoo!
isipin mo, more than 2 years na akong nag-i-internet na dial up lang. felt like a million years. hehe!
ayan, mas mabilis na ang pag-post ng pics sa multiply at sa blog. ; )
isipin mo, more than 2 years na akong nag-i-internet na dial up lang. felt like a million years. hehe!
ayan, mas mabilis na ang pag-post ng pics sa multiply at sa blog. ; )
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