prayer

Lord,

i know that when this blows over, i will be eternally grateful to you for having gone through this experience.

but please make this end soon. you know that i am not that patient!

amen.

(hehe.)

random ramblings from nerd-dom

hello world! i'm alive!

our first term officially ended last october 25, but lucky me, the deadline of our take-home stat finals was october 29. you know how an endeavor expands to fill the time allotted for it? that's exactly what happened. so at around 7pm on the 29th, i was in a cab on my way to campus (dead-tired from facilitating a training session from 9 to 4, and attending a meeting from 5 to 6), encircling my final answers. hehe.

that's it for the first term. my 3 grades are out, and i did well. i'm so happy!

this term, i'm only taking 2 subjects - methods of research and financial accounting. not exactly exciting courses, but i need these if i want to understand business.

(pause first, condition and convince self, hehe)

okay, attempt futile. brain refuses to cooperate. : )

i'm stating the obvious, but i love being back in school. i love learning from my professors and classmates. the eager beaver in me is rejoicing at being given opportunities to read and recite.

it's not easy since i'm still working full time and trying hard to make time for friends, but i don't see myself giving up anytime soon. i don't care that i got sick a few times last term. i'm in no rush, i can always take a lighter load if my work load becomes heavier than usual.

i'm not complaining, not at all. in fact, i feel so grateful that i'm doing this right now. if you told me a year ago that this is where i'd be, that this is what i'd be doing, i wouldn't have believed you. i would have thought that you were just pulling my leg.

after all, i was just picking up the pieces of myself, trying to get back on track. studying was so far off - making myself whole again was my priority. it was my heart that needed attention; my mind had to take a backseat.

but now, i'm okay. i'm happy. sometimes, i even find myself wondering if i deserve all that i'm getting - this seems too good to be true. i know that i prayed and hoped for this for a long time, but it's still incredible that i have it now.

enough of the mush. back to the real world which includes an accounting presentation that i still have to do. hehe. : )

the nerd goes back to her comfort zone : )

wow, it's been over two months since i last posted here!

since then, nakaakyat na ako ng mt. sembrano, at nakapunta na ng mt. pinatubo. nagkita-kita na ulit kami ng embryo, at ng thesis mates ko. at nag-aaral na ako ulit. : )

i started my MBA in ateneo rockwell last july 14. i'm taking 3 subjects this trisem - business communication, managerial statistics and applied math. so far, so good. i got home from buscom at past 11, since the class is from 6 to 9. pero okay lang.

we had a presentation last night, and a really exhilarating feeling came over me right after we finished. i don't know, i guess it's just the rush that comes after you've done something well. it's been three years since i was last in school, and there's nothing like compliments from the professor to make you feel that it's been worth the effort. plus, since our group is done, petiks muna kami next meeting. wahaha!

getting back to school is probably the biggest decision i made for myself recently (this, and asking for a lateral transfer at work a little over a year ago). this means that i will be broke and harrassed for probably the next three years. my practically non-existent social life will plummet to the darkest depths of nothingness (if that is even possible). i expect that at some points, i will regret this. after all, who wants to be bogged down with projects and papers? i know all these, but getting back to school feels right to me now.

what better timing could i ask for? i'm young and single. i still have the eager beaver spirit of my high school years. my work and my friends' experiences in their jobs make the theories real to me. i believe that i am still a sponge. i crave for experiences that will add to my knowledge, challenge my beliefs, and widen my perspective.

there, i have just recounted to myself why i am doing this. gives me something to go back to when stat and math start to get the better of me. : )

si Lord talaga

hay, naku. binibiro na naman ata ako ni Lord.

okay lang sana na magbiro Siya, e. sana lang, huwag sa aspeto na ito. hindi ko kaya e!

hay...

after 1,051,200 minutes

its been two years since that fateful day, & for the most part, i felt every excruciating moment of it. there were days when i shed enough tears to make me believe that it would be the last time that i would. of course, there were sequels. days when things were unbelievably bad, that it seemed as if all my energy has been zapped out of me. on these days, staring blankly at anything took precedence over everything else. i have probably memorized the position of each little glow-in-the-dark star on my white age-stained bedroom ceiling. days when every tiny memory sparked a full-blown, unbidden recollection of what had been, which almost always ended up with me wishing to bring back "those times".

yet, i don't feel any embarrassment in admitting that i had days like that. on the contrary, the memories tug at corners of my lips, & add to the immense gratefulness that i feel in my heart. i could only say, thank you, it's all over.

after 1,051,200 minutes, i find that...
...i'm back to my old, optimistic, bubbly self. i'm seeing the world again through rose-colored glasses. every situation seems to hold much promise of pleasure & learning, every nook & crevice worth exploring.
...i've rediscovered the joy & peace of solitude, when i talk to myself & let the events of my day go on auto-rewind.
...i'm making plans for me, myself & i, & expanding my horizons to include options that wouldn't even have crossed my mind before.
...i'm going out again, & enjoying good conversation. i love being out of the house, just hanging around. i'm reconnecting with the people who have always been there, waiting for me to break my self-imposed hermitage. the very same people who listened intently to me when i was finally ready to talk, were brutally honest with me so it wouldn't even cross my mind to delude myself (or if i was doing it already, i would snap out of it), & openly supported me in the decisions i made. the very same people who i know i could always count on to be there, whatever pickle i get myself in. i only have to holler or squeak.
...i'm singing again - literally & figuratively. can't help it, there's music in my head. happy, wonderful music.
...i've reunited with my old passions - reading, cooking, thinking.
...i'm perfectly happy with who i am.
...i'm actively involved in developing my spirituality, & in trying to discover the beauty of my faith. i acknowledge that without Him, i am nothing. He may send me humongous challenges, but He would never give me more than i can take. & it is by His infinite grace that i have each & every day to look forward to.
...i understand why i had to go through this. it's not a matter of whether i deserved it or not. things happen, albeit painful ones, & we have to find our own ways of dealing with them. what won't kill you would make you stronger.
...it's quite okay for me to go about things on my own pace. i shouldn't compare myself to other people for even if the situations seem exactly the same, we all bring something different to the equation. also, i shouldn't push myself to go beyond what i can manage at a particular point in time. after all, healing is a process.
...while letting go is a sign of weakness, it can also be a testament to one's maturity & strength of character. we have to recognize what it is that we can & should keep, & what it is that we should leave be.
...i feel no anger at him (never did, actually) or at myself for the way things ended. i still believe in my heart that we were lucky to have what we did - a 52-month relationship that was built on friendship, trust & love. a relationship where we let each other be, & supported each other's decisions.
...i've come so far, & i got here on my own.

overall, i am grateful for the things that were, contented with what i have now, & hopeful about the things yet to come. when you've come from below, there's no way to go but up, after all. up, up, up i go! : )

just thinking

in our party last week, i told embryo about some of the decisions that i've made in the past two years. on second thought, it must be more appropriate to say that i told them how i handled the nerve-wracking events of my past two years - my realizations, the things i said, etc.

it's been a long time, & it's very weird that i only told them the story now. after all, we are pretty tight, it's our style to talk things over, & the experiences i went through are not easy to go through alone. but i guess that's just my way of dealing with the cards dealt to me. & i guess i was only able to tell them the story now because i can now do so in a detached manner. because lately, i've started being happy again. it took me a long while to get here, you know.

so i can't help but feel so flattered that they approve of the way i handled things. 'ika nga ni john, "top 1 sa academics, top 1 sa buhay". nakakatawa kasi habang nagkekwento ako, sobrang in-affirm nila yung decisions ko. feeling ko tuloy, asa pedestal ako. sabi kasi ni eloi, tumaas daw ang respeto niya sa 'kin. eloi & je-ann even memorized some of my lines. je-ann went further by saving it on her phone so she won't forget. haha. :)

i don't remember who said it anymore, but i was told that i am proof that intelligent people are not necessarily stupid in affairs of the heart. sabi nga ni kamille, rational daw ako. nagagamit ko yung talino ko sa pagdedesisyon. sabi niya, hindi ako yung tipong matalino pero wala lang.

funny talaga yung reactions nila. looking back, i don't even know how i managed to say the right things in what deirdre has coined, "pressure cooker moments". siguro, pasalamat na lang ako kay Lord kasi binigyan niya ako ng grace under pressure.

because of their questions, i realized one thing: i make decisions on my own. i rarely ask for advice. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but that's the way i do it. i only ask for advice after i've made my choice, & i need help in dealing with the aftershocks of that choice.

so far, it has been working for me. i can't recall a decision that i regretted for years & years on end. sure, there were those i cried about for a while. but even when i was crying about those, i knew that i made the right choice, & that things will turn out well in time.

haha, grabeng pagbubuhat na ito ng bangko. but in the end, all i really want to say is, "thank you for the affirmation." i really needed it, you know. ;)

grieving

we just came home from the wake of ate belen, a distant cousin. she died of a stroke last monday. she left behind two teenage kids & her husband.

the way it happened was so sad. she was in church last saturday, when she started feeling dizzy. she was brought to the hospital, & was unconscious ever since.

kuya nono, her husband (who is a distant uncle), was at sea in europe. my mom called him to relay the news. i don't know if he was just in denial, but among the first things he said was maybe, ate belen was just stressed out.

the doctors told ate belen's family that an operation had to be done immediately, though performing it was not a guarantee that she will be able to recover. however, they needed my uncle's consent. understandably so, he wasn't able to decide immediately. he only consented to the operation on monday morning. i'm not sure if the operation was done that time. ate belen died on monday night.

kuya nono arrived only three hours ago. it was so heartbreaking to see him hold his head & hesitate before going inside the room. the room was full, but everyone was quiet as he & his family were gathered around ate belen's casket. i can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for them.

thinking out loud (or in print, as the case may be)

i went to the family renewal movement's (the community i've been part of since february) corporate worship tonight. i'm really glad & grateful that i did, as it helped me to take stock of all the good things that have been coming my way lately.

since i started in my new position, i've been feeling so much lighter. it is a cliche, but i actually feel as if a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders. i am able to go home a lot earlier than before. on days that i go home quite late, it's usually because i went out with a friend or did some shopping. if i do decide to stay late to work, i don't feel burdened about it at all. i am also home on saturdays (i used to work around 2 saturdays per month, by choice), so i have plenty of time to devote to alternating between sleeping & reading.

i am happy that i not only feel the change - a couple of people have already commented on how much more relaxed & calm i look, & how i smile a lot more. their comments make me feel even better, & a lot prettier. haha! ; )

i am grateful that things happened the way they did - that i was able to decide for myself, that I was able to muster the courage to talk to my bosses, & that God guided me all throughout. in hindsight, i know that i couldn't have done it with divine intervention. i could have chickened out. my bosses could have been horrible to me about it by not acting on my request for transfer. it's also possible that no position suitable for me was available.

a million other things could have gone wrong. i shudder at the thought that things could have been very bad for me. but they weren't, so i feel so blessed.

thank you, Lord. : )

= = = = = = = = = =

i just finished the devil wears prada. believe it or not, miranda priestly was even more horrible in print than on screen. i didn't think that was possible! hehe. : )

i was also able to finish the 7th harry potter book last saturday (despite going home at 6 am, after spending the night with embryo). i must be the only one who didn't go gaga over it. for me, it was plain okay, nothing spectacular. definitely overrated. book 7 fans, please do not use avada kedavra on me. i am entitled to my own opinion, as you no doubt are to yours. : )

= = = = = = = = = =

speaking of embryo, we were able to get together friday last week. we met first in ATC, then went to bobby's house, where a couple of us ended up spending the night.

it was worth not sleeping at all, as i was able to talk to them a lot. we reminisced about high school. we bitched about our horrible teachers. we talked about each others' problems, & gave advice. we ate a bit, & drank a bit also (at least, they did).

= = = = = = = = = =

as i was saying, i feel so grateful about the developments in my life lately. even my tickle happiness test says so:

As you now know, your relationships have a positive effect on your overall happiness. However, your greatest source of happiness is your gratitude. Gratitude is a feeling of deep thankfulness for what your life offers you in both good times and bad. When you're grateful, you view life as deep and rich with meaning and feel thankful for the whole experience of living. You may cultivate this awareness on a regular basis through reflection or prayer.

Your strong sense of appreciation for life's blessings is where your happiness springs from most. It's also the place where your happiness gains the most power and stability. Because gratitude appears to be the natural anchor point for your happiness, know that you can always tap into this quality when times get rough.

i sure hope that i keep on feeling this way for some time. : )

23 on 23

another year was added to my age, as i turned 23 last may 23. it was a rather quiet day. workday kasi, e. i originally wanted to take a leave, but i had to cancel that plan because of my turnover (which was from tuesday to friday last week).

nel (whose birthday was on may 7) & i had a joint blowout for HR. upon my request, may isaw at kwek-kwek! ang saya! buti na lang, mabait si ma'am cora (from IT; siya ang usual caterer namin sa office). unique tuloy ang menu ko: carbonara, barbecue, isaw, puto, kwek-kwek at iced tea. saan ka pa?!

in fairness, mabenta ang isaw at kwek-kwek. ubos agad! the barbecue was sold out also. everyone was quite full in the end. i even had some leftover carbonara that i brought home, & some puto that i gave to kuya jerry. when i got home, i ate chicken, liempo and cake with my family.

nung friday, blowout naman ng HR for me. may chocolate cake, siomai at spaghetti. in fairness, hindi ko in-expect yun. hindi ko rin napansin. masyado siguro akong aligaga dahil sa trabaho. basta, sinabi na lang nila na kumain na kami. nakahaing na pala lahat dun sa dating testing area na ginagawa rin naming dining area.

well, what's new with me, other than being a year older? as i mentioned in an earlier post, i would be moving to a new department. in a way, i guess the blowout of HR for me was also a send off. effective today, i'll be a project management officer (PMO) for corporate planning.

why? it was my request, actually. i spoke to my supervisor & told her that i felt that it was time for me to move on to something else. i felt that i've given it enough of a shot, as i have handled recruitment for over a year already before i came to this decision. even though i understand the importance & the impact of the job, there was something missing, as i was not happy.

being a psych graduate, i subscribe to the theory of job fit. i believe that there are certain jobs that are right for some people, but not for others. i believe that certain qualities make people right for certain jobs. & i believe that a misfit would cause the person to be unhappy & unfulfilled.

maybe recruitment is not the right job for me; i could only hope that being PMO is. but i know that i tried. i really did.

at this point, i pray that i will be able to do better as PMO. after all, there's no turning back now. i'm going to miss the company of HR a lot, but i will do my best to blend into corplan, my new family in the office.

= = = = = = = = = =

for my past six birthdays, you were around. this is the first time since then that you weren't. i miss you.

finally...

you've said your piece, & i've said mine (most of it, anyway). you've made your point, so have i. we've each made our resolves, & i know that we will try our hardest to stick with it.

i know we will both try. i, for my part, have thought things over countless times & i am sure that this is the best course for me to take, under the circumstances. i still love you, though. you know that.

i could only hope that i really am doing the right thing, handling this this way. i am certain that this will be hard...no one said that this will be easy, anyway. i pray too, that you are right in your decision.

there will be regrets, i'm sure (at least, on my part). for me, there will be also be tears, bittersweet recollections, maybe even sleepless nights. but i will be strong. falling apart is not an option.

i had you for some time, & i'm thankful for it. i wanted to have you for a bit longer, but i guess that's just not in my cards.

anyway, thank you, dear. i wish you well.

...

since last night, i have been rereading my previous blog entries. going back a couple of months, i couldn't help but miss what we used to have.

i know that it's been 9 months since we broke up. i have not forgotten that my friends have been pushing me to put more effort into getting over him, & i realize the wisdom of their counsel. i know that they not only mean well; they are also right. after all, i can't wallow in misery forever.

yes, i know that having loved & lost does not justify curling into a fetal position & wishing that the world would just go away & leave me alone in my despair. i know that i am not the only one who has gone through this, & that so many people before me have survived. i am also quite aware that at some point, the piercing pain would subside into a dull ache, & happy memories would begin to bring smiles once more, not by-products of my lachrymal glands. & i know that this phase is not easy. wow, that's probably the understatement of a lifetime.

i know that this is not easy because i am in this. i'm feeling the immense pain that comes with losing someone i love deeply. once in a while, i am hounded by "what if...?" questions. when i pass by places that have been "ours" at one point or another, i am flooded by memories of what used to be. & almost everytime that happens, i can't help but wish that i still had him with me.

a friend of mine said, "you will always go back to square one". how painful & true. did i already say painful? think about it. you put all your energy into trying to forget that he exists, and/or into trying to accept that what you had is gone. when something new, sad, happy, exciting, or boring happens to you, you make a conscious effort not to text or call him or to give him a blow-by-blow account of your life as it is at that moment. you may even let yourself be dragged to gimmicks that well-meaning friends have set up for you, though you are in "my life sucks & nothing can change that" mode.

after some time of pretending that you're okay, you realize that you can do without a big chunk of the pretending. surprise, surprise, you've made progress! there's significantly less pain in your chest, you feel a lot lighter, & the spring is back in your step. high five! pat on the back! *hug* your baby steps have actually brought you somewhere.

with this superb realization comes little flutters of panic. oh no, i'm actually starting to get over him! without meaning to, you find yourself singing along to lea salonga's, "let the pain remain" (on the count of three, one, two, three: let the pain remain forever in my heart / for every drop of it is one more moment spent with you / i'll let the pain / bring in all the rain / if that's the only way / if there's no other way to be with you again).

what did my friend say again? square one. back to where it all began.

while surfing

...this wikihow article caught my eye.

enough said.

...

more often than not, i refuse to believe that some things can't or wouldn't be. experience has taught me that believing is seeing, that my faith will eventually turn my hopes and dreams into reality.

but there you were. a fateful encounter was all it took to shatter my perspective. where i once was certain, i am now unsure. when before, i would have trusted and hoped, i now hesitate.

how could i believe, when you were a contradiction? you say one thing, when your eyes seem to convey something else. you seem to keep your distance, but once in a while, you do inch my way.

to wait was all that i could do. enveloped in a constant barrage of “what ifs” and “maybes”, i found myself hoping. hoping in one moment, and then doubting at the next. hoping and doubting, hoping and doubting. a vicious stream of conflicting thoughts and feelings that, to give an understatement, left me confused.

fortunately, the long wait did end. and my prize was well worth the wait.

many moons have passed since then. the winds have shifted direction, and things are at a standstill. or are they really? maybe the end has come sometime ago, and i was just too preoccupied to notice.

things are at a standstill. i am at a standstill, left with no choice but to remain this way. (is there really no other way but this?)

for now, i’m going to wait. and hope that in the end, my prize will be well worth the wait.

after so long...

tomorrow will be so different. something was lost, so tomorrow will be destitute of a tradition. it's an understatement to say that it's sad. actually, it breaks my heart.

for those who know

i think that it would relieve you guys to know that i'm not a "woman of steel". i cried already. it was not an i-can't-take-this-anymore episode, but more of a few minutes of feeling that things have started to sink in. a few minutes that repeated a few times within the day.

honestly, i'm not sure yet what i'm going through right now, that's why i can't feel anything intensely. i don't know if the decision was right, or if it was at least the best decision to make under the circumstances. i only pray that if a mistake was made, it can be rectified before it is too late.