just remembered...

...may utang pa pala ako kay sarah.

a month or so ago, sarah had this thing in her blog where she was given a letter and asked to write ten words that begin with that letter, along with a short description of each word. all those who wanted to do that also were instructed to reply to her post. the ones who replied were given letters. she gave me the letter h, if i'm not mistaken.

so here goes, 10 words that begin with h:

1. hope. they say that the worst thing that could happen to someone is to lose hope in life. right now, hope is what keeps me going. i don't know what the future holds for me, but whatever it is, i'll keep holding on.

this word also reminds me of this 50-page article by marcel that we had to read for calasanz's philo of religion class. title: phenomenology of hope. the sheer length of the article almost made me lose all hope of passing his class.

2. hard. thinking of words that begin with h is hard. damn you, sarah, of all letters! why not c or e or a?! :)

3. honesty. in our kris kringle last year, connie gave me a mirror because i am "very frank and honest...what you see is what you get."

4. hazelnut. i love hazelnut spread! nutella and crumpy are my tried-and-tested brands. :)

5. housewife. close friends have told me a couple of times that i'm "housewife material" because i can cook very well. however, they also say that "sayang naman ang talino mo kung magiging housewife ka lang". trisha andres has predicted that if i become a housewife, the only things that i will have to think about are what nice folds to do on the table napkins. papu, on the other hand, has threatened to kill me if i decide to go domestic full time. there go my dreams. haha... :)

6. happiness. through the years, my definition of happiness has evolved greatly. before, it usually involved me getting the highest grades in my batch. now, happiness for me means being with the people i care for and love.

7. hall. all the old buildings in ateneo are called halls. i have fond memories of most of them:

* bellarmine hall - i remember how everyone groans when they find out that they have a class in bel, which is as far as you can get from most of the college buildings. but the christmas lights in bel field more than makes up for the distance, in my opinion.

* eliazo hall - the ladies' dorm. i stayed here for one and a half months during ajss, which was before fourth year high school. the rooms were still done in a greenish tint that was reminiscent of hospitals, but i didn't care. i certainly loved my first taste of freedom, and i felt lucky that i had such smart and funny roomies - lou, kate and calai. we used to climb over the ledge outside our room to cut our travel time. once, we sneaked a guy into our room through the ledge. wahaha!

* cervini hall - the boys' dorm, where the chapel, recreation area and canteen are. there go my excuses for frequenting this particular hall. :)

* schmitt hall - named after a jesuit who died in recent years, schmitt, more popularly known as the chem building, is the site of many weird experiments. the most notable one that i have participated in involved gathering our saliva into a beaker and measuring one ML into a graduated cylinder. gross.

* colayco hall - the now nonexistent building that used to house most of the org rooms. this is where i met most of my college friends, who i still keep in touch with until now.

8. hugs. i love hugs! (both the gesture of affection and the chocolate)

9. hurt. a feeling that's been more than familiar to me lately. but i know that if i hold on a bit more, the pain will eventually subside into a dull ache that will easily be overshadowed by the happy memories.

10. heels. all my office shoes have heels that range from one to two and a half inches. do i really have a choice but to wear heels, with my 4'11.5" frame?


whew, i'm done! for those who don't have much to do or have much to do but don't feel like starting yet, reply to this post and i'll give you a letter to work on. :)

...

i'm tired. just plain tired.

a quote stolen from sarah's blog

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman

= = = = = = = = = =

point taken, mr. neil gaiman. but while my love life is far from being peachy at the moment, i am not about to denounce love. sure, the events of the past few months have finally started to sink in, and i'm starting to feel the pain of being ripped apart. the present offers no solace, and the future seems bleak. yet for me, hating love would be synonymous to forgetting that the 52 months i devoted to my former relationship gave me more happiness than hurt.

i feel anything but strong at the moment, but i don't want to get mad. i also don't want to feel bitter. nothing in what i'm in right now is easy, but i'm still grateful that i went through this. after all, not everyone can say that they've been loved by the one that they love.

wala lang...

may nagsabi sa isang kaibigan kong: ayoko yung ginawa nila sayo. basta ka lang nila itinapon. buti na lang, lumutang ka.

gusto ko ring may magsabi sa akin na buti na lang, lumutang ako. ngayon kasi, hindi ko pa nararamdamang maayos na ang mga bagay–bagay. sa totoo lang, nararamdaman kong nakalubog pa ako. minsan nga, nararamdaman kong patuloy pa akong lumulubog. naitatanong ko tuloy, tama ba ito? patas ba ang ganito? parang lahat na lang ng bagahe, ibinigay sa akin ngayon. may bangka nga ako, wala naman akong sagwan.

= = = = = = = = = =

kausap ko ang isang kaibigan ko kahapon. tinangka niyang payuhan ako. (bakit ko sinasabing “tinangka”? kasi matigas ang ulo ko, hindi ako madaling pasunurin.) may punto siya kaya susubukin kong sundin ang payo niya. sana lang, kasabay ng pagtatangka kong ito ay tumibay ang loob ko, upang kayanin ko.

= = = = = = = = = =

isa pang mensahe mula sa isa pang kaibigan: kaya mo yan gracie. kaw pa…labo din talaga, no? may mga taong minsan lang magmahal pero nasasaktan pa. may madaming beses nang nagmahal, di pa rin makita yung para sa kanya.


bakit kaya ganito?

reminders

last friday, i had dinner at shakey's glorietta with a couple of friends from gabay - guiller, chi, bel, de-anne and nina. it was nice to see them after so long. it was even better that tonight reminded me of so many things and feelings that i haven't encountered in a long time:

...the feeling that i could just "chill" and be "me"
for a couple of months now, i've been so harrassed by things at work - by the volume of the vacancies that we have to fill, and the pace at which things have to be done. from start to end of each day, i have to be on my toes, lest i do something that will make the situation even worse. but tonight, i was able to let loose in a way. i was able to goof around with the people that i'm with, without fear or apprehension.

...the feeling that it's okay to make mistakes
it's okay, and it could be funny too. and it would not have an effect on my performance appraisal for this year, or on my career, in the long run.

...the feeling that the people i'm with know me
sometimes, they say that the small things are the ones that matter. being the OC girl that i am, the little things do account for much. it comes as no surprise then, that i like it when people remember the small things about me, that other people do not even notice. small things like how i can compute numbers in my head fast, and that i dab tissue on my food to lessen the grease. small things that make me feel that i'm really with people i can call "friends'.

...the inspiration i got from SOA
on the way home, nina and i rode the bus to alabang together. though we were an aisle apart, we were able to talk some more. we reminisced on our SOA times (she was the education formation pillar coordinator, while i was the executive officer). i told her of how SOA changed my perspective. while i was in the gabay, i felt that i was giving my all already, and that i was one of the most committed members of the org. SOA changed that, thankfully. through the example set by my co-officers, i saw that there was so much more that i can do, if only i will transcend what i thought were my limits.

...knowing where i'd want to be
while we were having coffee in gloria jeans, nina asked us where we would want to be in 20 years. i replied that i'd want to have a family by then, with two to three kids, and a husband (of course). i also said that i'd want to be teaching industrial psychology by then.


it was a wonderfully long night, that extended a few minutes into the morning. thanks guys, for granting one of my birthday wishes. now you know that you can ask me out, once in a while. ;)